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Post by cheepio on Mar 23, 2018 23:02:50 GMT -5
What's the difference between an illegal immigrant and E.T.?
E.T. learned to speak English and wanted to go home!
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Docputer
Champion Member
Some parts of life suck like a twelve-cylinder Hoover with a blower on it...
Posts: 1,783
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Post by Docputer on Mar 23, 2018 23:32:07 GMT -5
Drunk walks into a bar and asks for a drink. Bartender says, "No way...you're so drunk already you can't see straight!" Drunk says, "I can see perfectly --- you see that one-eyed cat coming in the door?" Bartender says, "Now I KNOW you're drunk --- that cat's going OUT the door!"
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humor
Mar 24, 2018 14:19:38 GMT -5
Post by cheepio on Mar 24, 2018 14:19:38 GMT -5
I play e-mail chess with a guy from Prague, I call him my Czech Mate.
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humor
Mar 24, 2018 14:32:35 GMT -5
Post by cheepio on Mar 24, 2018 14:32:35 GMT -5
My BF and I met two girls in a bar. One was from Bratislava and the other from Prague. As we prepared to go somewhere else for the evening, I told him I'd take the Slav if he would get the Czech.
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Docputer
Champion Member
Some parts of life suck like a twelve-cylinder Hoover with a blower on it...
Posts: 1,783
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humor
Mar 24, 2018 20:39:35 GMT -5
Post by Docputer on Mar 24, 2018 20:39:35 GMT -5
A Brit and a Czech disappeared in a national park. Rangers then discovered and killed two huge bears with greatly distended stomachs. One was a female, the other a male. When one of the Rangers cut the female open, he discovered the remains of the Brit.
"Well," he remarked, "I guess that means the Czech's in the male."
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Post by MaddogUSMC (Jacksonville, FL) on Mar 25, 2018 2:26:09 GMT -5
A man drinks a shot of whiskey every night before bed. After years of this the wife wants him to quit, so she gets 2 shot glasses, filling 1 with water the other with whiskey.
She gets him to the table with the glasses and has his bait box there too.
She says "I want you to see this." She puts a worm in the water it swims around. She puts a worm in the whiskey and the worm dies.
She says "so what do you have to say about this experiment?"
He says "IF I DRINK WHISKEY I WON'T GET WORMS".
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humor
Mar 25, 2018 9:09:31 GMT -5
Post by cheepio on Mar 25, 2018 9:09:31 GMT -5
Re: Aging
Do you remember being able to get up without sound effects? Good Times, Eh.
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humor
Mar 25, 2018 14:09:36 GMT -5
Post by bluwahoo (FL/AL Coast) on Mar 25, 2018 14:09:36 GMT -5
Nurse came in said Doc, there's a man in the waiting room who thinks he's invisible. What should I tell him?
The Doc said, Tell him I can't see him today !
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Post by always2bnaked on Mar 26, 2018 22:58:44 GMT -5
Joke of the Day:
During lunch at work, I ate 3 plates of beans (which I know I shouldn't). When I got home, my husband seemed excited to see me and exclaimed delightedly, "Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight." He then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a seat and just as he was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone rang. He made me promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned and went to answer the call. The beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was becoming unbearable, so while my husband was out of the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a garbage dump! I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously. Then, shifting to the other leg, I ripped off three more. The stink was worse than cooked cabbage. Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room, I went on releasing atomic bombs like this for another few minutes. The pleasure was indescribable! Eventually the telephone farewells signaled the end of my freedom, so I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself. My face must have been the picture of innocence when my husband returned, apologizing for taking so long. He asked me if I had peaked through the blindfold, and I assured him I had not. At this point, he removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests seated around the table, with their hands to their noses, chorused, "Happy Birthday!"
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humor
Mar 27, 2018 15:27:50 GMT -5
Post by cheepio on Mar 27, 2018 15:27:50 GMT -5
Re: Discontinued GB forums...
Quoted from the last GB Board meeting: "Oh Well", what's a few million fewer exposures to our ads? We'll just raise the rates to our sponsors, and lie about the views".
(Did those who came up with this idea get a raise? Did they previously work for Wells Fargo before losing that job? They also probably got their MBA's from ITT Tech or Trump U. with a thesis on "Business Models".)
Final thought: "If it ain't broke, don't fix it."
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humor
Mar 27, 2018 15:29:22 GMT -5
Post by cheepio on Mar 27, 2018 15:29:22 GMT -5
Do you know what's my dog's favorite cheese?
Muttzarella
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humor
Mar 27, 2018 22:45:41 GMT -5
Post by cheepio on Mar 27, 2018 22:45:41 GMT -5
What do you call the selection committee for the National Invitation Tournament?
They would be the NITpickers
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Post by VanIsleRover on Mar 27, 2018 23:34:14 GMT -5
1. The fattest knight at King Arthurs round table was Sir cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .
3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.
4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.
5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
9. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: You stay here; I'll go on a head.
13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: Keep off the Grass.
15. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
16. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
17. A backward poet writes inverse.
18. In a democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
20. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you'd be in Seine.
22. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says Dam!
23. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.
25. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.
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humor
Mar 28, 2018 0:08:33 GMT -5
Post by VanIsleRover on Mar 28, 2018 0:08:33 GMT -5
An Admiral visited a ship in his command. Eating breakfast with the crew he was impressed to see the ship insignia stamped on every biscuit. He went to the Chief cook to ask how this was done so it could be used on every other ship and mess under his command. Chief: “ Glad to share that with you, Admiral. After each biscuit is cut, I slap it against my belt buckle which bears the ship insignia.” Admiral : "What? That's very unhygienic!" Chief: "If that’s the way you feel, sir, I suggest you avoid the donuts.”
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humor
Mar 28, 2018 16:14:28 GMT -5
Post by cheepio on Mar 28, 2018 16:14:28 GMT -5
Is it better or worse to have your intelligence insulted in HD 4K?
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