|
Post by demnuts on Mar 15, 2018 7:00:43 GMT -5
when I was younger I told people that I wanted to be a comedian I stood up and the laughed at me.
|
|
|
Post by demnuts on Mar 15, 2018 7:35:44 GMT -5
Ma was in the kitchen fiddling around when she hollers out, "Pa! You need to go out and fix the outhouse!" Pa replies, "There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse." Ma yells back, "Yes there is, now git out there and fix it." So Pa mosies out to the outhouse, looks around and yells back, "Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse!" "Ma replies, "Stick yur head in the hole!" Pa yells back, "I ain't stickin my head in that hole! "Ma says, "Ya have to stick yur head in the hole to see what to fix." So with that, Pa sticks his head in the hole, looks around and yells back, "Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong with this outhouse!" Ma hollers back, "Now take your head out of the hole!" Pa proceeds to pull his head out of the hole, then starts yelling, "Ma! Help! My beard is stuck in the cracks in the toilet seat!" To which Ma replies,"Hurts, don't it?!"
|
|
|
Post by bluwahoo (FL/AL Coast) on Mar 16, 2018 12:05:19 GMT -5
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they laid down for the night,
and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what
you see." Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars." "What does that tell you?" Watson pondered for a minute.
"Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies, and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that
Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that
God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day
tomorrow. What does it tell you?" Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "It tells me that someone has stolen our tent."
|
|
|
humor
Mar 16, 2018 12:09:57 GMT -5
Post by bluwahoo (FL/AL Coast) on Mar 16, 2018 12:09:57 GMT -5
Q: Why did the can crusher quit his job? A: Because it was soda pressing.
|
|
|
humor
Mar 16, 2018 13:57:32 GMT -5
Post by SUVFan on Mar 16, 2018 13:57:32 GMT -5
A wife invited some people to dinner.
At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?"
"I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied.
"Just say what you hear Mommy say," the mom answered.
The daughter bowed her head and said, "Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"
|
|
|
humor
Mar 16, 2018 14:01:00 GMT -5
Post by SUVFan on Mar 16, 2018 14:01:00 GMT -5
Kid's 'll say the darndest things:
A Sunday school teacher asked her class, "What was Jesus' mother's name?"
One child answered, "Mary."
The teacher then asked, "Who knows what Jesus' father's name was?"
A little kid said, "Virge."
Confused, the teacher asked, "Where did you get that?"
The kid said, "Well, you know they are always talking about Virge n' Mary."
|
|
|
humor
Mar 17, 2018 10:43:15 GMT -5
Post by flyboyut on Mar 17, 2018 10:43:15 GMT -5
A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and tapped him on the shoulder. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.
For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then the still shaking driver said, "I'm sorry but you scared the daylights out of me."
The frightened passenger, apologized to the driver, and said he didn't realize a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much.
The driver replied, "No, no, I'm sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is my first day driving a cab.... I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years.
|
|
|
humor
Mar 17, 2018 14:01:55 GMT -5
Post by Tru (NAPA CA) on Mar 17, 2018 14:01:55 GMT -5
when I was younger I told people that I wanted to be a comedian I stood up and they laughed at me. Now THAT is humor..the rest are jokes.
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
humor
Mar 17, 2018 21:12:08 GMT -5
dotot likes this
Post by Deleted on Mar 17, 2018 21:12:08 GMT -5
A 7 year old and a 5 year old are raking the yard. The 7 year old asks, "You know what? I think it's about time we started cussing."The 5 year old nods his head in approval. The 7 year old continues,"When we go in for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with hell and you say something with ass." The 5 year old agrees with enthusiasm. When the mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 7 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, "Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios. WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up,and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit,slapping his rear with every step. His mom locks him in his room and shouts, "You can stay there until I let you out!" She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 5 year old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?" "I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your ass it won't be Cheerios!"
|
|
Babe
Champion Member
A home without a cat, is like a hug without a kiss.
Posts: 4,572
|
Post by Babe on Mar 18, 2018 12:42:04 GMT -5
Is there sex after death?
A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and... inform the other if there is sex after death.
Their biggest fear was that there was no after-life at all.
After a long life together, the husband was the first to die. True to his word, he made the first contact: " Marion ... Marion "
"Is that you, Bob?"
"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."
"That's wonderful! What's it like?"
"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course. I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times...
Then I have lunch (you'd be proud of me I eat lots of green vegetables).
Another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon.
After supper, it's back to golf course again. Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again."
"Oh, Bob! Are you in Heaven?"
"No -- I'm a rabbit somewhere in South Carolina ." .
|
|
t-w
Full Member
GBO: Gas Buddy Orphanage ... I am a Denver Gas Buddy Orphan
Posts: 114
|
Post by t-w on Mar 18, 2018 17:08:31 GMT -5
For This Week's Opinion Poll "How long have you been a GasBuddy?" ( Discuss) posted this: suggestion for next poll: Will you continue to be active after 3-27-18? ( ) Yes ( ) No ( ) OK ( ) What does this have to do with the price of gas? ... then posted this: Soon to be Gas Buddy Orphans can migrate and gather here [ gbo.freeforums.net/ ] OK, I know it's not a "joke", --but do you at least see any humor in it?
|
|
|
humor
Mar 18, 2018 18:19:33 GMT -5
Post by always2bnaked on Mar 18, 2018 18:19:33 GMT -5
Joke of the Day:
A child asked his father, "How were people born?" So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on." The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now." The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!" His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."
|
|
|
humor
Mar 19, 2018 0:39:22 GMT -5
Post by bluwahoo (FL/AL Coast) on Mar 19, 2018 0:39:22 GMT -5
I hate it when I go to a restaurant and they ask "Would you like a table?" "No I want the floor!"
|
|
|
humor
Mar 19, 2018 0:44:59 GMT -5
Post by bluwahoo (FL/AL Coast) on Mar 19, 2018 0:44:59 GMT -5
Math Teacher: I have 5 bottles in one hand and 5 bottles in the other. What do I have in total?
Student: A drinking problem
|
|
|
humor
Mar 19, 2018 12:45:02 GMT -5
Post by cheepio on Mar 19, 2018 12:45:02 GMT -5
I was a stand-up comedian, but I got tired and sat down.
|
|