|
Post by mudtoe on Sept 19, 2018 20:25:14 GMT -5
Do you have a useless youtube video for that?
|
|
|
Post by timothyu on Sept 20, 2018 13:43:15 GMT -5
I had spent an hour in the bank with my dad, as he had to transfer some money.
I couldn't resist and asked, ''Dad, why don't we activate your internet banking?'
''Why would I do that?'' he asked.
''Well, then you won’t have to spend an hour here for things like money transfer. You can even do your shopping online, everything will be so easy!” I was so excited about initiating him into the world of Net banking.
He asked ''If I do that, I won’t have to step out of the house?”
''Yes, yes!'' I said. I told him how even groceries can be delivered at your door now and how Amazon delivers everything!
His answer left me tongue-tied. He said: ''Since I entered this bank today, I have met four of my friends, I have chatted a while with the staff who know me very well by now. You know I’m alone ... this is the company that I need. I like to get ready and come to the bank, I have enough time and it is the physical touch that I crave. Two years back when I got sick, the store owner from whom I buy fruit, came to see me and sat by my bedside and cried. When your Mum fell down a few days back while on her morning walk, our local grocer saw her and immediately got his car to rush her home as he knows where I live. Would I have that 'human' touch if everything became online? Why would I want everything delivered to me and force me to interact with just my computer? I like to know the person that I'm dealing with and not just the 'seller'. It creates bonds and relationships. Does online deliver all this as well?”
*Technology isn't Life .. Spend time with People .. Not with Devices*
|
|
|
Post by timothyu on Oct 7, 2018 11:57:42 GMT -5
A group of seniors were sitting around talking about all their ailments at a donut shop.
"My arms have gotten so weak I can hardly lift this cup of coffee," said one.
"Yes, I know," said another. "My cataracts are so bad; I can't even see my coffee."
"I couldn't even mark an "X" at election time, my hands are so crippled," volunteered a third.
"What? Speak up! What? I can't hear you, said one elderly lady!"
"I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck," said one, to which several nodded weakly in agreement.
"My blood pressure pills make me so dizzy!" exclaimed another.
"I forget where I am, and where I'm going," said another.
"I guess that's the price we pay for getting old," winced an old man as he slowly shook his head.
The others nodded in agreement.
"Well, count your Blessings," said a woman cheerfully....
"Thank God we can all still drive."
|
|
|
Post by timothyu on Oct 18, 2018 11:59:58 GMT -5
A woman went to the doctor's office where she was seen by one of the younger doctors. After about four minutes in the examination room, she burst out screaming as she ran down the hall. An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told him her story. After listening, he had her sit down and relax in another room. The older doctor marched down the hallway back to where the young doctor was writing on his clipboard. "What's the matter with you?!" the older doctor demanded. "Mrs. Terry is 71 years old, has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?" The younger doctor continued writing and without looking up said, "Does she still have the hiccups?"
|
|
|
Post by timothyu on Oct 30, 2018 12:29:28 GMT -5
Overcoming fake news ...link
|
|
|
Post by timothyu on Nov 3, 2018 0:57:47 GMT -5
~ Lost Words from our childhood ~
Mergatroyd! Do you remember that word? Would you believe the spell-checker did not recognize the word Mergatroyd? Heavens to Mergatroyd!
The other day a not so elderly (I say 75) lady said something to her son about driving a Jalopy; and he looked at her quizzically and said, "What the heck is a Jalopy?" He had never heard of the word jalopy! She knew she was old ... But not that old.
Well, I hope you are Hunky Dory after you read this and chuckle.
About a month ago, I illuminated some old expressions that have become obsolete because of the inexorable march of technology. These phrases included: Don't touch that dial, Carbon copy, You sound like a broken record, and Hung out to dry.
Back in the olden days we had a lot of moxie. We'd put on our best bib and tucker,to straighten up and fly right.
Heavens to Betsy! Gee whillikers! Jumping Jehoshaphat! Holy Moley!
We were in like Flynn and living the life of Riley; and even a regular guy couldn't accuse us of being a knucklehead, a nincompoop or a pill. Not for all the tea in China!
Back in the olden days, life used to be swell, but when's the last time anything was swell? Swell has gone the way of beehives, pageboys and the D.A.; of spats, knickers, fedoras, poodle skirts, saddle shoes, and pedal pushers.
Oh, my aching back! Kilroy was here, but he isn't anymore.
We wake up from what surely has been just a short nap, and before we can say, “Well, I'll be a monkey's uncle!” Or, “This is a fine kettle of fish!” We discover that the words we grew up with, the words that seemed omnipresent, as oxygen, have vanished with scarcely a notice from our tongues and our pens and our keyboards.
Poof, go the words of our youth, the words we've left behind. We blink, and they're gone. Where have all those great phrases gone?
Long gone: Pshaw, The milkman did it. Hey! It's your nickel. Don't forget to pull the chain. Knee high to a grasshopper. Well, Fiddlesticks! Going like sixty. I'll see you in the funny papers. Don't take any wooden nickels. Wake up and smell the roses.
It turns out there are more of these lost words and expressions than Carter has liver pills. This can be disturbing stuff! (Carter's Little Liver Pills are gone too!)
We of a certain age have been blessed to live in changeable times. For a child each new word is like a shiny toy, a toy that has no age. We at the other end of the chronological arc have the advantage of remembering there are words that once did not exist and there were words that once strutted their hour upon the earthly stage and now are heard no more, except in our collective memory. It's one of the greatest advantages of aging!
Leaves us to wonder where Superman will find a phone booth...
See ya later, alligator! Okidoki.
|
|
|
Post by timothyu on Nov 3, 2018 14:36:24 GMT -5
After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife came for counselling. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married.
On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured.
Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand, he embraced and kissed her long and passionately as her husband watched - with a raised eyebrow. The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze.
The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week. Can you do this?"
"Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish."
|
|
|
Post by timothyu on Nov 6, 2018 15:47:45 GMT -5
While walking down the street a corrupt Senator was tragically hit by a car and died. His soul arrives in Heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.
"Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts you see, so we're not sure what to do with you.
"No problem, just let me in," says the Senator.
"Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from the higher ups. What we'll do is have you spend one day in Hell and one in Heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."
"Really? I've made up my mind. I want to be in Heaven," says the Senator.
"I'm sorry, but we have our rules."
And with that St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to Hell.
The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him. Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people. They played a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and the finest champagne.
Also present is the devil who really is a very friendly guy who is having a good time dancing and telling jokes They are all having such a good time that before the Senator realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises.
The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens in Heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him, "Now it's time to visit Heaven."
So, 24 hours passed with the Senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and before he realizes it the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.
"Well then you've spent a day in Hell and another in Heaven. Now choose your eternity."
The Senator reflects for a minute before he answers: "Well, I would never have said it before, I mean Heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in Hell."
So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to Hell.
Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.
The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulders.
"I don't understand," stammers the Senator. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable.
What happened?"
The devil smiles at him and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning. Today you voted."
|
|
|
Post by timothyu on Nov 15, 2018 19:53:19 GMT -5
The 6th-grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, “Which human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?” No one answered until little Mary stood up and said, “You should not be asking sixth-graders a question like that! I’m going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!”
Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, “Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?”
Little Mary’s mouth fell open. Then she said to those around her, “Boy, is she going to get in big trouble!”
The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, “Anybody?”
Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, “The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye.”
Mrs. Parks said, “Very good, Billy,”
then turned to Mary and continued.
“As for you, young lady, I have three things to say: One, you have a dirty mind. Two, you didn’t read your homework. And three, one day you are going to be very, very disappointed.”
|
|
sissurf
All Star Member
Ah.. to be so in love!
Posts: 11,595
|
Post by sissurf on Nov 16, 2018 22:28:23 GMT -5
|
|
|
Post by timothyu on Nov 17, 2018 12:17:52 GMT -5
18 months of fog over the world ...link
|
|
|
Post by timothyu on Nov 23, 2018 13:16:59 GMT -5
The flight attendant sees a suspicious looking couple on board, so she reports it to the Captain immediately.
Sir, I think we have a case of human trafficking! There is a very pretty, hot and sexy, female passenger on board, who looks quite frightened and the man she is with is a fat old guy who looks like a lecher, very sullen, mean and dangerous.
The captain responds Patricia, I've told you this before this is Air Force One.
|
|
|
Post by timothyu on Dec 3, 2018 0:07:35 GMT -5
Well the 2019's were all displayed on a special tv preview tonight.
Nothing of any change to speak of in features over the last 50-60 years.
They don't even advertise the horsepower any more.
Not sure why a parade of the new models is necessary on the Victoria's Secret show every year.
|
|
sissurf
All Star Member
Ah.. to be so in love!
Posts: 11,595
|
Post by sissurf on Dec 4, 2018 13:34:45 GMT -5
These posts really crack me up, Tim!
|
|
|
Post by timothyu on Dec 4, 2018 16:35:09 GMT -5
"The children of Severance want the opportunity to have a snowball fight like the rest of the world," ...link
|
|